NOT-SO-SWIFT TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD VETERANS FOR BUSH (Script for a TV ad for the Bush Campaign)
Vet #1: People are not telling the truth about George Bush's war experience.
Vet #2: George Bush is just like a real war hero.
Vet #3: I knowed George Bush. I served with him in the Texas National Guard.
Vet #4: While John Kerry was off in Vietnam, shooting Gooks, George was right here in Texas, protecting American soil.
Vet #5: George is a real Texas patriot. And George REALLY knows how to have a good time, too!
Vet #6: If I was going on a road trip, I would want George right there next to me, riding shotgun.
Vet #7: I felt safe with George sitting next to me, a Coors in one hand and a rollin' a joint with the other.
Vet #8: And George sure knows where to go to have fun. He knows every bar and strip club in Texas, 'cause George has been to 'em all.
Vet #9: One time, in a bar in Austin, George had this blonde stripper givin' him a lap dance, and he was doing body shots off a different stripper, both at the same time!
Vet #10: There was this one stripper named Dixie. I think George was in love with her. He used to sit down front, next to the stage, and sing: 'I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray! I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray!'
Vet #11: And then he would say, Hey, Honey, do you know what a Bronski is? And before you could say Boo! George had his face shoved in her tits!
Vet #12: George got up on the bar and started dancing. He pulled his pants off and he was wearing a bra on his head!
Vet #13: And then we said, Come on, George, put your pants back on. She don't want to see your thing. And the rest of us have seen it. Lots of times.
Vet #14: This bouncer grabbed George and threw him out of the bar. But not before we smashed up a couple of chairs and set the men's toilet on fire!
Vet #15: I remember one time when we were in this bordello in Matamoros.
Vet #16: George was snortin' coke off of this Mexican whore's ass.
Vet #17: George still has a scar from when that pimp hit him with a beer bottle.
Vet #18: That cut started bleedin' like a sum-a-bitch. I think his Dad got him a Purple Heart for that action.
Vet #19: So get this! On the way home George had his head stuck out the window of the Ford Mustang. And he was puking all over the side of the car, while it was still moving!
Vet #20: Later that same night, George showed up at my sister's house. He had a six-pack of Coors in one hand and a bong in the other. Now that boy knows how to party!
BECAUSE AMERICA NEEDS A PRESIDENT WHO KNOWS HOW TO PAR-TEE HAR-TEE!!!!
(paid for by Crawford Bottling & Fine Liquor, Crawford, Texas)
Ms. Dominique
Ms. Dominique
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
If Mohammed had a car....
There has been a great deal of news coverage lately about my neighbor who lives across the street. He has been living in his car for over six years, after his wife kicked him out of the house. Here is the original story from the Joplin Globe:
http://www.joplinglobe.com/archivesearch/local_story_221005956.html
A few days ago the wife was interviewed by the guys on the morning show at Rock 103 in Memphis. They elicited from the wife the fact that she kicked him out of the house after she found out that he was running around "partying" with the Doublemint Twins! Yes, one set of the Doublemint Twins (there were several sets of twins over the years hired to promote Doublemint gum) lives here in Pittsburg, Kansas.
By an odd coincidence, I recieved in the mail today a new pamphlet "Road map for a religion of violence... The Koran" from my anarchist friend, Fred Woodworth, who is the longtime publisher of an anarchist magazine, The Match! Fred points out some of the religious lunacy that found its way into the Koran.
Fred starts with the story of how one of Mohammed's wives, Hafsah, caught him in the sack with a slave girl. Apparantly, she had caught him boinking the slave girls before, and he had promised to stop. Mohammed then got very angry (about being caught) and so he wrote in the Koran that God permits him (Mohammed) to boink whoever he wants to, and his wives should shut the hell up about it or he (Mohammed) is permitted (By God!) to cast these wives aside, or worse. Mohammed includes a list of all the women he is allowed to boink, including all the female captives captured in battle and all of his female cousins (listed in the Koran as "the daughters of your paternal and maternal uncles and your paternal and maternal aunts"). Because God (here called Allah) is always very generous to his holy servants, God will also permit Mohammed to have sex with "any believing woman who gives herself to the Prophet...." I bet Bill Clinton wishes he had that kind of leeway.
Anyway, it's not hard to imagine that if Mohammed were alive today he would be living in a car (on blocks) in his wife's back yard. Instead of writing his holy book, he would be singing along with his radio, and maybe even singing classic rock songs. Who knows....
Anyone who wants a copy of Fred's pamphlet can write to him at The Match! PO Box 3012 Tucson AZ 85702. The pamphlets are free, but please help Fred out with a buck or two for postage.
http://www.joplinglobe.com/archivesearch/local_story_221005956.html
A few days ago the wife was interviewed by the guys on the morning show at Rock 103 in Memphis. They elicited from the wife the fact that she kicked him out of the house after she found out that he was running around "partying" with the Doublemint Twins! Yes, one set of the Doublemint Twins (there were several sets of twins over the years hired to promote Doublemint gum) lives here in Pittsburg, Kansas.
By an odd coincidence, I recieved in the mail today a new pamphlet "Road map for a religion of violence... The Koran" from my anarchist friend, Fred Woodworth, who is the longtime publisher of an anarchist magazine, The Match! Fred points out some of the religious lunacy that found its way into the Koran.
Fred starts with the story of how one of Mohammed's wives, Hafsah, caught him in the sack with a slave girl. Apparantly, she had caught him boinking the slave girls before, and he had promised to stop. Mohammed then got very angry (about being caught) and so he wrote in the Koran that God permits him (Mohammed) to boink whoever he wants to, and his wives should shut the hell up about it or he (Mohammed) is permitted (By God!) to cast these wives aside, or worse. Mohammed includes a list of all the women he is allowed to boink, including all the female captives captured in battle and all of his female cousins (listed in the Koran as "the daughters of your paternal and maternal uncles and your paternal and maternal aunts"). Because God (here called Allah) is always very generous to his holy servants, God will also permit Mohammed to have sex with "any believing woman who gives herself to the Prophet...." I bet Bill Clinton wishes he had that kind of leeway.
Anyway, it's not hard to imagine that if Mohammed were alive today he would be living in a car (on blocks) in his wife's back yard. Instead of writing his holy book, he would be singing along with his radio, and maybe even singing classic rock songs. Who knows....
Anyone who wants a copy of Fred's pamphlet can write to him at The Match! PO Box 3012 Tucson AZ 85702. The pamphlets are free, but please help Fred out with a buck or two for postage.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Shades of Joseph Smith
Today's paper includes a news story from Salina, Kansas, about a couple who were scammed out of $45,000 by a couple of confidence men. These swindlers convinced the couple that a treasure trove of gold coins was buried under their shop. Using a "treasure detector" that beeped loudly near buried gold, they convinced the couple to let them dig under the floor at the back of their shop. The men then pretended to discover a metal box dated 1878 which contained documents describing a treasure of gold coins buried a few feet below where the box was (supposedly) found. In order to avoid a magic curse, the couple had to build an altar and say the rosary for nine days. As part of the process for avoiding the curse, the swindlers put $25,000 of their own money on the altar and the couple put $45,000 in cash on the altar. Needless to say, the two swindlers soon made off with all of the cash.
This scam is very similar to the old "buried treasure" scam that was run in upstate New York by Joseph Smith and his Pa. The Smiths were well-know swindlers back in the 1820s. As part of the scam, the swindlers would find a hidden treasure using a "peer stone"--usually a piece of quartz crystal or glass. The swindler claimed to "see" the treasure through his magic stone, and he offered to help the land-owner (usually a wealthy farmer) to find the treasure and dig it up--for a large fee. Usually, after the farm hands would dig for several hours (or days) the swindler would announce that the treasure had been magically transported by pirate ghosts or Indian spirits to some other hidden location. The swindler/seer then left with his fee.
The Church of the Mormon has long claimed that Joseph Smith was not a scam artist, but recently-discovered court documents prove otherwise. The Chenango County Office Building in Norwich, New York, has documents from 1826 that prove good old Joe Smith was accused of running just such a scam. Later Joe gave up running these kind of petty swindles and went into the big time religion racket. The magical "peer stones" he used in running the scam were, until recently, on display in Salt Lake City. It was these same magic stones that Joe used to "read" the hieroglyphs written on the gold and silver plates given to him by the angel Moroni.
For those of you not familiar with Mormon history, Joseph Smith claimed to have found gold and silver plates buried in the earth, with the help of an angel. Joe translated the writing on the plates--using his magic seer stones--and produced his "translation" of the writing, now known as the Book of the Mormon. No one ever saw the plates, though Joe was clever enough to get some gullible followers to go into an empty room and feel the plates through a burlap bag. These followers then signed affidavits stating that they had handled the gold plates. Of course, for all they knew the objects in the bag could have been steel hubcaps (if hubcaps existed in 1830)! Other followers were told to simply spiritually "visualize" the gold plates through prayer. All of their affidavits are reprinted at the beginning of the Book of the Mormon.
The act of putting cash from the swindlers and the victims in a common bag (which the victims hold) is also a very, very old confidence game. The swindler in Salina, Kansas, seem to have combined the two cons into an effective game.
This scam is very similar to the old "buried treasure" scam that was run in upstate New York by Joseph Smith and his Pa. The Smiths were well-know swindlers back in the 1820s. As part of the scam, the swindlers would find a hidden treasure using a "peer stone"--usually a piece of quartz crystal or glass. The swindler claimed to "see" the treasure through his magic stone, and he offered to help the land-owner (usually a wealthy farmer) to find the treasure and dig it up--for a large fee. Usually, after the farm hands would dig for several hours (or days) the swindler would announce that the treasure had been magically transported by pirate ghosts or Indian spirits to some other hidden location. The swindler/seer then left with his fee.
The Church of the Mormon has long claimed that Joseph Smith was not a scam artist, but recently-discovered court documents prove otherwise. The Chenango County Office Building in Norwich, New York, has documents from 1826 that prove good old Joe Smith was accused of running just such a scam. Later Joe gave up running these kind of petty swindles and went into the big time religion racket. The magical "peer stones" he used in running the scam were, until recently, on display in Salt Lake City. It was these same magic stones that Joe used to "read" the hieroglyphs written on the gold and silver plates given to him by the angel Moroni.
For those of you not familiar with Mormon history, Joseph Smith claimed to have found gold and silver plates buried in the earth, with the help of an angel. Joe translated the writing on the plates--using his magic seer stones--and produced his "translation" of the writing, now known as the Book of the Mormon. No one ever saw the plates, though Joe was clever enough to get some gullible followers to go into an empty room and feel the plates through a burlap bag. These followers then signed affidavits stating that they had handled the gold plates. Of course, for all they knew the objects in the bag could have been steel hubcaps (if hubcaps existed in 1830)! Other followers were told to simply spiritually "visualize" the gold plates through prayer. All of their affidavits are reprinted at the beginning of the Book of the Mormon.
The act of putting cash from the swindlers and the victims in a common bag (which the victims hold) is also a very, very old confidence game. The swindler in Salina, Kansas, seem to have combined the two cons into an effective game.
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