Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Based on what we see in television commercials, the foremost considerations of a woman looking for a boyfriend are these: The size of the diamonds, the presentation of flowers, and the giving of chocolates.
Most relationships begin with the giving of flowers. Note that if your new boyfriend presents you with flowers on a regular and consistent basis, this means trouble. He has accustomed himself to using flowers to apologize for his bad behavior. At some point he many have decided to give flowers often, in order to apologize for his past bad behavior and his next bad behavior—which you will find out about soon enough. It would probably be worth calling his florist to see if he has a running account. If so, then he is probably an asshole who will break your heart.
One step up from the flower-bringer is the jewelry-bearer. The odds are that this is someone who has so much money that he can afford to be an even bigger asshole than the flower-bringer. Television has tried to acclimate us to this sort of assholery by showing advertisements with enormous diamond rings, necklaces, bracelets, etc. The problem with these baubles is that their retail value is far in excess of their resale value. Worse yet, it is often difficult to tell real stones from the fake. In any case, you will be shortchanged when the time comes to cash in these gifts.
Over the years I have seen many diamonds in television advertisements. Unfortunately, I have never seen a diamond ring in an advertisement that was pretty enough to wear. The vast majority of these rings—virtually slathered with diamonds—is that they are rather ugly and apparently designed by trolls living in a mountain in Switzerland. The rings I’ve seen on television are grotesque and hideous, and they are certainly not worth the price you would have to pay to get one, much less the emotional energy you spend dealing with the jewelry-bearer. No matter how you look at it, diamonds are a very bad investment.
Finally, there is the chocolate carrier. Chocolate is good.