Ms. Dominique

Ms. Dominique
Ms. Dominique

Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Legacy of Jerry Falwell

Earlier this week Rev. Jerry Falwall passed away. A great bloated and obscene presence has left this world and moved on, leaving a vacant hole that can only be filled by another (walking and talking) vacant hole. I'm sure one will step up to the plate pretty quickly.

Early on in his religious career, Rev. Falwell decided that God was against the civil rights movement. So Falwell proclaimed from the pulpit that God was against civil rights (at least for black people). He even described it as the "civil wrongs" movement. Rev. Falwell also told his fellow ministers that it was evil to get involved in politics. Getting into politics was a sure pathway to Hell. Jerry also thought the racist goverment in South Africa was a pretty nice thing.

Then, twenty years later, Rev. Falwell saw the growing Neo-conservative movement and decided that God was for it. This time *not* getting into politics was a sure pathway to Hell. Also, he could see that supporting Ronald Reagan was a sure path to fame and fortune for Rev. Falwell--so how could he refuse God's will?

So clearly since Rev. Falwell both stayed out of politics and then went into politics, he must have gone against God one way or the other. So it's fair to assume that Rev. Falwell is, right now, in Hell.

If you have any doubts about this fact, then go to your local mall and stand very quitely. Listen, and in a few moments you will hear a faint sound, much like a cell phone ringing. This is proof that Rev. Falwell is in Hell, because every time you hear a bell ring, it means a devil is stabbing Jerry in the ass with a pitchfork.

I still remember seeing Jerry Falwell when he was a guest on William F. Buckley's television program "Firing Line." Falwell had just had a run-in with the faith healer Ernest Angley--a short, fat froggy-looking evangelist who is famous for healing people through their television sets. Angley tells people to put their hands on the tv screen and feel God's healing power enter their hands.

Rev. was all upset about the way Angley was (he felt) deceiving his followers. Rev. Falwell was clearly agitated about Angley and his faith healing. According to Falwell, "He can't heal people through the television set. Those programs are taped two weeks in advance!"

Let's sum up Jerry's theology:

1. God created the whole universe in only six days.
2. God wrote the Bible, a very large book which is absolutely accurate and without error.
3. God can heal people through a televison set, through "live" programs.
4. However, God can't heal people through a pre-recorded broadcast. Sorry!

What was really amazing is that William F.Buckley kept a straight face throughout Falwell's tirade. The fact that Falwell said these things, and actually believed what he was saying, proves that Falwell was mentally impared. Whether it was evangelical theology that impared him, or whether he was simply drawn to evangelical religion because he was already impared--no one can say.

We know that Rev. Falwell's father was a bootlegger. So maybe Falwell was a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome... at least that would be my guess. People affected by fetal alcohol syndrome are often selfish and amoral--only interested in attaining power over others. Yep, sounds about right.

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