If Mohammed had a car....

There has been a great deal of news coverage lately about my neighbor who lives across the street. He has been living in his car for over six years, after his wife kicked him out of the house. Here is the original story from the Joplin Globe:

http://www.joplinglobe.com/archivesearch/local_story_221005956.html

A few days ago the wife was interviewed by the guys on the morning show at Rock 103 in Memphis. They elicited from the wife the fact that she kicked him out of the house after she found out that he was running around "partying" with the Doublemint Twins! Yes, one set of the Doublemint Twins (there were several sets of twins over the years hired to promote Doublemint gum) lives here in Pittsburg, Kansas.

By an odd coincidence, I recieved in the mail today a new pamphlet "Road map for a religion of violence... The Koran" from my anarchist friend, Fred Woodworth, who is the longtime publisher of an anarchist magazine, The Match! Fred points out some of the religious lunacy that found its way into the Koran.

Fred starts with the story of how one of Mohammed's wives, Hafsah, caught him in the sack with a slave girl. Apparantly, she had caught him boinking the slave girls before, and he had promised to stop. Mohammed then got very angry (about being caught) and so he wrote in the Koran that God permits him (Mohammed) to boink whoever he wants to, and his wives should shut the hell up about it or he (Mohammed) is permitted (By God!) to cast these wives aside, or worse. Mohammed includes a list of all the women he is allowed to boink, including all the female captives captured in battle and all of his female cousins (listed in the Koran as "the daughters of your paternal and maternal uncles and your paternal and maternal aunts"). Because God (here called Allah) is always very generous to his holy servants, God will also permit Mohammed to have sex with "any believing woman who gives herself to the Prophet...." I bet Bill Clinton wishes he had that kind of leeway.

Anyway, it's not hard to imagine that if Mohammed were alive today he would be living in a car (on blocks) in his wife's back yard. Instead of writing his holy book, he would be singing along with his radio, and maybe even singing classic rock songs. Who knows....


Anyone who wants a copy of Fred's pamphlet can write to him at The Match! PO Box 3012 Tucson AZ 85702. The pamphlets are free, but please help Fred out with a buck or two for postage.

Shades of Joseph Smith

Today's paper includes a news story from Salina, Kansas, about a couple who were scammed out of $45,000 by a couple of confidence men. These swindlers convinced the couple that a treasure trove of gold coins was buried under their shop. Using a "treasure detector" that beeped loudly near buried gold, they convinced the couple to let them dig under the floor at the back of their shop. The men then pretended to discover a metal box dated 1878 which contained documents describing a treasure of gold coins buried a few feet below where the box was (supposedly) found. In order to avoid a magic curse, the couple had to build an altar and say the rosary for nine days. As part of the process for avoiding the curse, the swindlers put $25,000 of their own money on the altar and the couple put $45,000 in cash on the altar. Needless to say, the two swindlers soon made off with all of the cash.

This scam is very similar to the old "buried treasure" scam that was run in upstate New York by Joseph Smith and his Pa. The Smiths were well-know swindlers back in the 1820s. As part of the scam, the swindlers would find a hidden treasure using a "peer stone"--usually a piece of quartz crystal or glass. The swindler claimed to "see" the treasure through his magic stone, and he offered to help the land-owner (usually a wealthy farmer) to find the treasure and dig it up--for a large fee. Usually, after the farm hands would dig for several hours (or days) the swindler would announce that the treasure had been magically transported by pirate ghosts or Indian spirits to some other hidden location. The swindler/seer then left with his fee.

The Church of the Mormon has long claimed that Joseph Smith was not a scam artist, but recently-discovered court documents prove otherwise. The Chenango County Office Building in Norwich, New York, has documents from 1826 that prove good old Joe Smith was accused of running just such a scam. Later Joe gave up running these kind of petty swindles and went into the big time religion racket. The magical "peer stones" he used in running the scam were, until recently, on display in Salt Lake City. It was these same magic stones that Joe used to "read" the hieroglyphs written on the gold and silver plates given to him by the angel Moroni.

For those of you not familiar with Mormon history, Joseph Smith claimed to have found gold and silver plates buried in the earth, with the help of an angel. Joe translated the writing on the plates--using his magic seer stones--and produced his "translation" of the writing, now known as the Book of the Mormon. No one ever saw the plates, though Joe was clever enough to get some gullible followers to go into an empty room and feel the plates through a burlap bag. These followers then signed affidavits stating that they had handled the gold plates. Of course, for all they knew the objects in the bag could have been steel hubcaps (if hubcaps existed in 1830)! Other followers were told to simply spiritually "visualize" the gold plates through prayer. All of their affidavits are reprinted at the beginning of the Book of the Mormon.

The act of putting cash from the swindlers and the victims in a common bag (which the victims hold) is also a very, very old confidence game. The swindler in Salina, Kansas, seem to have combined the two cons into an effective game.

Bush's colonoscopy

The headlines on CNN.com read:

"June 28, 2002
"Bush to have colonoscopy under anesthesia"

Was he planning to have it some place else?
Also, while the doctors are in there, maybe they can hunt around and look for his head.

I'm sure it's in there, somewhere.....

Good or Weavel, you decider.....

The Washington press reports that Pres. Bush has had a steady stream of ministers and theologians visiting the White House. Bush has invited them to discuss "Good and Evil." While I applaude Pres. Bush's efforts to try to figure out which is which, I think I can save everyone some time here.

Short Answer:

Invading another country, without provocation, and killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people is Evil with a big "E"

Long Answer:

I am becoming more and more convinced that there are a lot of people out there who simply don't understand "Good and Evil." Most of us ordinary people are born with a basic notion that we should not do harm to others. But that still leaves a lot of people out there who just don't seem to get it. It's like they have fetal-alcohol syndrome or some other congenital condition that confuses their "moral compass." Essentially, they are morally disfunctional.

Ironically, the same people who have no moral compass also tend to develop a curiousity about all this "Good and Evil" stuff that people talk about. And many of these people, lacking a moral compass, decide to become ministers, priests and theologians.

We see the same phenomenon in Psychology, as many people who become counselors and psychologists have, themselves, severe psychological problems. They, in effect, become psychologists in an effort to cure themselves ("Physician heal thyself")

The same thing is true with people who have no moral compass. They study religion and ethics and try to figure out what "Good" is and what "Evil" is. They always put good and evil into capital letters because, to them, these are abstract concepts, not actual behaviors. All that they understand about good and evil is what other people tell them. And once they become "experts" they are ready to start telling everyone else what to do (and not to do). They become incredible bores and arrogant bullies, always blovating about how "Evil" Clinton was to get a bj from a young woman and "Good" Bush is to kill thousands of muslims.

William J. "Bill" Bennett, the former Sect. of Education, is a good example of this kind of blovator. He even wrote a book about his "moral compass" though he still seems to be unable to find his. Maybe it's under the sofa... or maybe it fell behind the buffet.....

Or maybe he lost it at the race track.

More corruption & scandal

This has been a difficult week for institutional corruption. The Catholic Diocese of Los Angeles has committed to paying out $660 million dollars to victims of sexual abuse. This is the largest amount paid out ... so far.

Meanwhile US Senator David Vitter has finally come out of hiding (unless you count hiding behind his wife's skirts) and admitted that he was involved with prostitutes in two cities. Vitter is the same creep who said that Pres. Clinton should be impeached for violating his marriage vows (Clinton's, not Vitter's). Now his bizarre right-wing pronouncements have come back to bite him (you know where).

There are various news reports that Vitter paid upwards of $300 for the services of these prostitutes. I think this alone is reason to censure him. How can the voters of Louisiana trust him with their tax money if he is willing to overpay for services? Can you imagine if Vitter were on a Senate committee and an Air Force General said they needed to spend $200 on a toilet seat for a B-52. Vitter would say (to himself) "Well, that's less than I spent on that hooker last night ... must be a pretty good deal!" See, we just can't trust Sen. Vitter to give the taxpayers real value for their hard-earned money. Vitter has to know that no one in Louisiana pays more than $150 for a hooker, even in the best neighborhoods of New Orleans.

On the other hand, we have Florida Republican State Representative Bob Allen. Allen was arrested by police in Florida after he approached an undercover cop and offered to give him a blow-job for $25. Now here is a congressman who really understands giving good value. I think that Bob Allen should be elected to the US Senate, because he knows the value of a dollar. If some General asks Bob for $200 for a toilet seat, Bob would demand that they go to Home Depot, or maybe even Big Lots and buy a cheap seat for $29.95 -- just like the rest of us do.

What's Wrong with Scooter?

George W. Bush has commuted the sentence of "Scooter" Libby. Libby no longer has to go to jail, but he does have to pay a $250,000 fine. Of course he is not actually going to pay the fine out of his own pocket. The Right Wingers have already rased millions of dollars in a fund-raising campaign, much as they did for Ollie North.

They have already sent out the mass mailings and made the phone calls, as thousands of poor and middle-class conservatives were asked--once again--to contribute to keeping another criminal out of jail. Meanwhile the really deep pockets are busy contributing to Presidential campaigns where it will go to buy even more influence and power.

Perhaps some jail time would have helped Scooter straighten out his priorities. But of course if Libby goes to jail there is always the chance he will rat out his boss, Karl Rove. Bush can't afford to take the chance that Libby will turn on his masters and start talking about the high crimes of his bosses in the White House.

It's amazing that the Right Wing pundits have compared this commutation to Clinton's last minute pardons in 2000. Clinton didn't pardon anyone on the White House staff in order to cover up his own actions. Libby, on the other hand, probably knows where all the bodies are buried, and neither Bush nor Cheney can afford to have him start talking to prosecutors.

The Legacy of Jerry Falwell

Earlier this week Rev. Jerry Falwall passed away. A great bloated and obscene presence has left this world and moved on, leaving a vacant hole that can only be filled by another (walking and talking) vacant hole. I'm sure one will step up to the plate pretty quickly.

Early on in his religious career, Rev. Falwell decided that God was against the civil rights movement. So Falwell proclaimed from the pulpit that God was against civil rights (at least for black people). He even described it as the "civil wrongs" movement. Rev. Falwell also told his fellow ministers that it was evil to get involved in politics. Getting into politics was a sure pathway to Hell. Jerry also thought the racist goverment in South Africa was a pretty nice thing.

Then, twenty years later, Rev. Falwell saw the growing Neo-conservative movement and decided that God was for it. This time *not* getting into politics was a sure pathway to Hell. Also, he could see that supporting Ronald Reagan was a sure path to fame and fortune for Rev. Falwell--so how could he refuse God's will?

So clearly since Rev. Falwell both stayed out of politics and then went into politics, he must have gone against God one way or the other. So it's fair to assume that Rev. Falwell is, right now, in Hell.

If you have any doubts about this fact, then go to your local mall and stand very quitely. Listen, and in a few moments you will hear a faint sound, much like a cell phone ringing. This is proof that Rev. Falwell is in Hell, because every time you hear a bell ring, it means a devil is stabbing Jerry in the ass with a pitchfork.

I still remember seeing Jerry Falwell when he was a guest on William F. Buckley's television program "Firing Line." Falwell had just had a run-in with the faith healer Ernest Angley--a short, fat froggy-looking evangelist who is famous for healing people through their television sets. Angley tells people to put their hands on the tv screen and feel God's healing power enter their hands.

Rev. was all upset about the way Angley was (he felt) deceiving his followers. Rev. Falwell was clearly agitated about Angley and his faith healing. According to Falwell, "He can't heal people through the television set. Those programs are taped two weeks in advance!"

Let's sum up Jerry's theology:

1. God created the whole universe in only six days.
2. God wrote the Bible, a very large book which is absolutely accurate and without error.
3. God can heal people through a televison set, through "live" programs.
4. However, God can't heal people through a pre-recorded broadcast. Sorry!

What was really amazing is that William F.Buckley kept a straight face throughout Falwell's tirade. The fact that Falwell said these things, and actually believed what he was saying, proves that Falwell was mentally impared. Whether it was evangelical theology that impared him, or whether he was simply drawn to evangelical religion because he was already impared--no one can say.

We know that Rev. Falwell's father was a bootlegger. So maybe Falwell was a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome... at least that would be my guess. People affected by fetal alcohol syndrome are often selfish and amoral--only interested in attaining power over others. Yep, sounds about right.