On Lovers (quick ones)

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without thinking about the risk, which is how I got the clap last summer. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his ‘highest potential.’ 

"I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have clung to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) working it and working it and waiting for the man to ‘ascend’ to his own greatness. Pretty often my arm gets tired. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism. And rug buns.”

Soul Mates & such

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear up your walls and in the morning they smack your ass until you’re awake. But to live with a soul mate? No way! It’s too painful. 

“Soul mates, they come in and out of your life — mostly just long enough to shoot another layer of themselves on your tits, and then they leave. 

"They always leave … the bastards!”

On Immigration and Families

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“Every couple has the potential over the long haul to become a small and isolationist nation of two — They create their own small culture and their own personal language, and sometimes even their own moral code, to which no one else can be privy. And when Mexican immigrants try to climb over the fence, they are allowed to shoot them … no questions asked…. 

“Oh wait, here is the gun … now it’s your turn. Remember to aim for the white of their eyes. Shoot before they get over the fence, so the body falls back into Mexico. Less clean up that way.”

On Desire

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (public and private), I will protect you from your own ignorance and insecurity, I will foist upon you all sorts of good qualities that you could never actually cultivate in yourself. And I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. Yes, even for your aunt with the funny Hitler moustache. And also your nephew with the gold ring piercing his lower-lip."

On Twinks

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“Not everyone can be beautiful. Kind of like (for example) my friend from Texas who they call ‘Ugly Bob.’ But even though most people find him to be a bit hideous, there are some people who seem to find Bob to be at least ‘sort of good-looking.’ Granted it’s mostly the Emo girls, a few Twinks, and even some middle-aged Black women seem to think he is maybe "okay-looking." I can’t explain it. But it’s true…. 

“What? You don’t know what a Twink is? Let me explain. A Twink is one of those cute twenty-something white boys. The twinks all look pretty much the same — and they all have this light tan color, just like Twinkies cakes. To me they all look pretty much like clones or maybe sextuplets. And (keep this a secret) I’m told that, ... if you squeeze them just right, they shoot out this white stuff — just like a Twinkie. 

"It’s called ‘the Twinkie Surprise’ in some places. Even India, where they don’t sell many Twinkies. I can’t explain it. It’s one of those Mysteries of Faith. So just go with it.”

My Love is Stronger than Anything

Spiritual Advice in the manner of Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love”

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to cry all night, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. You can’t get rid of me. I will protect you until you die, and after you’re dead I will still protect you. I will cremate your body and piss on your ashes. And I will keep your ashes in a Prince Albert cigar box. That’s how much I love you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing can ever exhaust me. At least that’s what my next boyfriend will say."